Sky Analyse
by Shadow of Arashi
Summary: One trooper is experimenting depression and doesn't know how or if he is even going to pull out of it. Don't read unless you are up for very depressing stuff...


Author's notes: Nothing to say… Just depressing stuff… now go away. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Ronin Warriors.

Warning: Angst, dark theme, attempt suicide and some language. PG-13 rating I guess. And sorry if anyone sound OOC but I think the character I choose is the best one for this story.

Sky Analyse 

By Shadow of Arashi

I blink back tears as I slam the door behind me and quickly put my hands over my ears. I refuse to hear them, I refuse to hear their leering words and hateful voices. I don't want to hear _them_ anymore.

I bit my lips then, as I slid down to fall on the floor. I realize that I'm shaking lightly now.

A surge of rage shot through me at this.

How dare they!

How dare they do this to me?!

They are supposed to be my friends, my family for god's sake. And all they do is hurting me.

Through I will never show it of course. They would be way too happy knowing they managed to get this deep under my skin.

In those times I feel I can truly hate them.

My family, for making me feel this way and trying to control every single things in my life. For treating me like a soulless doll, something to mold to their will.

My friends, for not understanding me and taunting me in way I didn't thought could exist.

Some friends they are. I knew there was something fishy about _me_ having friends. An outcast like me can't have friends.

I mean, look at me. I'm the only natural blonde I know in a country of dark skinned and dark haired people. Even my family think I'm some kind of demon.

I was always lonely and I guess I will stay that way too…

But sometimes I wonder.

I wonder why I even bother with all this. It's no use and it only left me broken inside.

The other think I'm just being weird, or that I'm overreacting. Ah! What a laugh. For all our supposed closeness I know they will never understand. But then again I don't get them either.

But then again maybe they are right. Maybe I'm the one who is completely fucked up. Hell, I can't even keep up with myself. I keep getting moods winds, one second being content and the next ready to break down at the smallest thing.

What's worse, I just noticed that I have lost my ability to care.

  
That's the weirdest part of this I think. 

I guess I finally snap somewhere to evacuate some pressure. Eh, go figure. Maybe it's all that loneliness finally getting to me. Not that I have enough feeling left to care about that.

No, now I don't care anymore. The world I fought so hard to save can just blow up and disappear for all I care. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm past caring. The pain I used to feel for the human race, my compassion, it's all gone. Gone and leaving only a void behind.

I guess I'm truly the emotionless bastard they accuse me of being now.

But can they really blame me?

It's all thanks to _them _after all.

It's not like it's my fault!

But it's too late now. No matter what I just can't go on like this anymore, I just can't. 

I don't see the point of living this meaningless life, where people hurt each other, where my dreams, my soul and hope are shattered and step on by the people who are supposed to love me. A life where I just drag myself like a soulless corps everyday.

I'm just so tired of it all…

All this fighting, this struggle for everyday life; getting up, going to school, smile at stupid people with empty eyes, find a job, save money that will end up in other people's pockets, trying and failing in meeting my family's expectations…

I just can't stand it anymore!

It's driving me insane with the total nonsense of it. I see now point in see, it's so useless and stupid…

It's too much for me. I don't know what that make me, a coward or whatever. Not like it matter. I'm past caring remember? 

All I want is for it to end. I don't think anyone would care anyway. They are the one who pushed me into this state after all.

As if I want to feel like this. Ah! Idiots. I would like to feel something else than depression, self-loathing, hate and emptiness once in a while you know. I'm not a masochist. 

But I guess there is no point in getting mad now…

Say what you want, this world doesn't like me and I don't like it either. Good grief. We have come to an understanding and are going to part way happily. Period. No regrets from either side. Bye bye, see you next life. No, scrap that, I don't want another life. I had enough with this one, thank you very much. I'm not going to play hero anymore for a world who broke me into pieces without so much as blinking.

…

Shit, how did I became so pessimistic? Dear god. Well, it's no use crying over spill milk as they said. I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I do, that's all I see right now and I can't help it.

Damn, I feel so pathetic… I could punch the wall in frustration. Not that it would do me any good.

Guess I should do something useful of this mess instead of staying on the floor and whining like an idiot. 

Shit, am I crying?

No, I can't cry remember.

I'm finally up now, so what should I do… Well first cleaning up my face.

I stumble into the bathroom, making sure I don't meet any of the others and turn on the water. I wash my face and glance at my reflection in the mirror, realizing that I really look like a mess.

I finished drying my face with a towel and put it back in place, before stopping. Through the cabinet's glass doors I can see one of the guys' razors. 

How I would love to take it and end it now. How tempting…

Nobody would miss me, I have no purpose and no desire to stay alive any longer. Who would mind? 

But no, I'm too much of a coward to even do that. Can you believe that after all I get through, I can't stand a little pain?

No, it's not really true… it's just that I can't stand pain anymore… any kind of pain. I had enough of those to last a lifetime already. 

I desperately wish to die but I don't want to end in such a gruesome way. I can't stand the idea of slashing my own wrist and waiting for my blood to slowly spread on the ground while I die. If I have to commit suicide, I want something painless like sleeping pills. Load of sleeping pills so I will die peacefully, unless the rest of my life.

Shaking my head, I resolutely turn around and leave the bathroom, closing the door behind me with a soft click.

"You alright Seiji?"

"Yes. I'm perfectly fine Shin."

I flashed a bright smile and goes to my room, leaving a startled Shin behind me. Didn't expect that did you?

Sorry guys, but the death of Seiji Date is not for today. Not yet. You will have to deal with me for a little longer. Until Touma gets the pills he claims he needs for his insomnia that is. Oh and I think Shuu just bought a new bottle of sake. 

I always wondered what happened when you mix medicaments and alcohol.

OWARI

Shadow: Yes, this is deeply depressing, fucked up and disturbing I know. But I'm feeling disturbed anyway so there, deal with it. 


End file.
